Mark Goes to the Movies

Alexander (dir. Oliver Stone) If movies like Natural Born Killers and U-Turn looked like Oliver Stone edited them while on a crack binge, Alexander looks like they're feeding him a boatload of Valium post-rehab. After a 15-minute sequence where Alex and his dad Philip wander around a cave looking at scratched-on pictures of myths and heroes, (and several with Angie Jolie, playing Alex's mom, talking with what sounds like a Hungarian accent and playing with dangerous snakes) you get the idea this movie's not going to zip along too fast. I also wish it had the courage of its big, gay convictions--the only time you see two guys kiss, they're both shit-faced drunk. But this film will join Cleopatra on double- bill all-night camp marathons worldwide (coming to a midnight movie near you). All the guys wear eyeliner (except those nasty, smelly Greeks), Colin Farrell looks cuter than a bug as a blonde (though his voice is a little too shredded to be heard over the noise of battle), and Jared Leto--mmmm. If your style is post-Cobain soulful hollow-blue-eyed blonde waif, you'll be in heaven. Mark's review (stupid points): ??

National Treasure (dir. Jon Turtletaub) Dumb, dumb, dumb. Like a Jerry Bruckheimer movie is going to quote Derrida? But inoffensive (you can take mom and kids over 10!), and the scenery is lovely, especially Diane Krueger (with her cute-as-a-basket-of-kittens Saxon accent!). Mark's review (stupid points): ??